Hey, this is for you

It’s not often that I’m able to help someone solve a problem. Heck, I can’t even seem to solve my own problems. So, it’s a special kind of feeling when I bump into something I can fix. It’s feeling purposeful, needed, valuable. Things I rarely feel, for varied reasons.

I’m a gamer. I play several MMORPGs (that’s Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Games to the uninitiated). I also play a bunch of different types of single-player games, but it’s the multiplayer I’m focusing on here. One of those games is The Elder Scrolls Online (ESO). Have you heard of Skyrim? It’s kind of like that, but with friends (and also the occasional person who doesn’t deserve to be your friend). The friends you meet and make are the important thing to focus on, though.

I am not a straight person, despite what randos might think upon meeting me. One of the first things I do when I start playing a new game is look for LGBTQ+ inclusive guilds. (A guild is a group of players who join together to achieve things that would be impossible for someone to do by themselves, whether that’s killing big baddies or creating a trade empire.) Some of them are mainly people with LGBTQ+ identities, with allies as a welcome but secondary addition. In other words, the guilds focus on the not-straight players, but also welcome people who accept and befriend people who are not straight, those who make space for us Queer folx. This type of guild is my favorite. My other guilds are inclusive in that their codes of conduct prohibit homophobic, transphobic, and other forms of bigoted conversation, with violations leading to bans and blocks, but they may not specifically have giant Pride events, for instance. In other words, they are guilds for allies; not threatening to Queer people but not centered on them, either.

Many people find they are better understood in the first type of guild. When the people you are chatting with (online, anonymously) have been through things like what you’ve been through, they have a better understanding of your trials and tribulations. It’s like guilds that focus on current and former military members. They have unique experiences that can sometimes only be discussed with people who share them.

In one of my LGBTQ+ guilds, I met a player I will refer to as Mo (not her real name, but those letters are in her user id, the names players go as when interacting with other players). Mo had recently come out of the closet as transgender. She was talking about how liberating it is to find clothing and accessories that are gender-affirming (in her case, women’s clothing and jewelry that made her feel more feminine). Then, she said she was going to get her ears pierced and that she was excited to be able to shop for earrings. Here, I perked up.

“I can make earrings,” I said. (That was just a bit of an overstatement.) “Do you have a style in mind? Is there a particular type you like? Are you out enough to be okay with wearing pride flag colors?” (Pride was approaching.)

She wasn’t sure about style or type, but she was onboard with a rainbow theme, so I got excited.

I had been researching earrings online for a long time, from a “how do I make these” perspective, but never actually made any earrings before. I had seen a bunch of gorgeous rainbow earrings on Pinterest and DeviantArt, but just hadn’t been brave enough to try making them before, and I was especially excited to try making macrame earrings.

“This is my chance”, I thought. “I won’t be able to slack off if I’m making them for someone.”

After discussing the earrings at length with Mo, I got to work.

I scribbled away in a journal, attempting to sketch what I wanted to make. I researched different macrame knots to try to figure out what would work. I narrowed down my image searches to include only macrame designs. I went to all the local craft stores to try to find pieces (called findings) to anchor the cord to, in all different shapes and sizes. Mo and I agreed on one of my designs based on my sketches and a few of the findings I bought.

I had to improve my wire-working skills and the consistency of my macrame tension. It took me forever to “perfect” (yeah, right) my wrapped loop dangle from which the star bead is suspended. I finally figured out a way to bring my vision to life. I did it. It took me longer than I would have liked (two months work total, instead of one).

I tried to contact Mo to let her see the finished product, to make sure she liked them before creating an order for her. I messaged her on Discord and in ESO. I couldn’t find her. She hadn’t come online in over a month. I panicked. I despaired. What happened to Mo?

I still don’t know, but it could have been something bad. It could have been violence perpetrated against her because of some guy’s transphobia. It could have been anything (but this was pre-pandemic, so not that).

I guess my point is this: Don’t wait. Don’t put off something you can work on today. A project you put off until tomorrow might never be finished, and someone out there might benefit from what you create.

Cherish your friends. Respect and appreciate how they are different from you. Try to have compassion even if you don’t understand that part of them (whether they are Black or Queer or a migrant or anything – even if it’s not an identity you share, it might be hugely important in their lives). Never put off sending a simple message to someone just to check in. Even if it’s only been a week since you last spoke. Don’t let fear of rejection stop you from being a good friend. Don’t play mind games.

We never really know how much time we have left. Or how much time our friends have. And we rarely know the complete story of what they’re going through or the status of their mental health.

I know I miss Mo.

I have experimented little with creating since then. It’s just made me sadder. That’s a problem, too. I shouldn’t put off projects or ideas, either.

Don’t delay. Be honest. Be just. Be good to each other.

I’ll try to follow my advice, too.