disability · Personal

Pain and Potential for Progress

I want to begin this post by boosting this project https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/good-night-stories-for-rebel-girls-books-women#/ which I think is amazing!

Then, I want to say that I’m sorry I -once again- haven’t been very active. My pain has ramped up to 11, and it’s sometimes so bad I can’t do anything productive at all. I got the results from my MRI on my spine yesterday, and they said that I have central canalstenosis, because my spinal canal, where the nerves are, has become so narrow (4mm) that the compression is causing most of the pain. My previous MRI was about a year and a half ago, and it was measuring 7mm at that time, which was already considered a small space. So when I turn over in bed while asleep, and wake up crying out in pain, it’s because I’m squeezing and pinching those nerves. They said my disc that had been bulging is now protruding excessively, and that is adding to the nerve compression. They’re directing me to a neurosurgeon, and I’m terrified at the thought of back surgery, even more so now that my husband has informed me that they might want to shave away some of the bone, too, to make more room for the nerves, which would permanently weaken my back to the point that I may never be able to care for a horse (my lifelong dream). So now I’m scared, nervous, anxious, waiting for a phone call I don’t particularly want to receive.

I’ve also heard bad things about the place that is within network for me, and I don’t know if I can get approved to use out of network but still be covered by my insurance. (My insurance is really great but challenging to understand and navigate.)

I really didn’t want all this. I know some of my problems are my own fault, that I allowed this landslide to occur, but even the doctor said those things cannot be the sole or even main cause of the back problems I’m having. I’m just wiped out, so tired and not sure how to feel. It doesn’t help that I’m getting very little sleep as a result of the pain.

The final thing I wanted to say today is this: I found a local craft fair that I may want to sign up for, but haven’t even found the courage to ask about the pricing for a booth. I’m always worried: worried I won’t have enough to sell, or that I won’t do well, or that I can’t hold my own. I have a friend who might be interested in joining me, but I’m not sure if we can make it happen. I’d also have to make a ton of stuff between now and early November, so again, I’m not sure if I can do it.

I hope things start looking up for me soon.  =/

Anyway, thanks for reading and take care.

May your day be beautiful and magical.

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2 thoughts on “Pain and Potential for Progress

    1. Hey! How are you? I’ve been reading your posts on fb and keep wanting to pm you but never get around to it for some reason. What are you doing this month? Margaritas? 😀
      (I already called my benefits dept and they told me they won’t let me go out of network if it’s something that’s already provided in-network. /sadface)

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